I'll Show You Parallels
by FearlessTiger
Summary: Inspired by emeraldonyx's Enough Parallels Already. A very different version of chapter 693, in which Sakura becomes completely feral, Kakashi breaks his nose, Naruto knows when to abandon the ship and Sasuke - well, what happens to Sasuke is momentarily censored, for good reasons. 'CHYAAA, LEMME AT HIM' Crack, just crack. Poor Sasuke - LOL joking, we don't pity Sasuke.


_**AN: As it was stated, this story was inspired by **_**emeraldonyx's **_**wonderfully therapeutic story, **_**Enough Parallels Already. **_**It was such a great read, and I highly recommend you check it out – that is, if you are just as disgusted by chapter 693 as we are. She/He PM-ed me and said a story where Sakura beats the crap out of Sasuke would feel so good to write. It did.**_

_**As for this fic, it is purely crack. I love crack. Who doesn't love crack? And, okay, it's my own way to express my frustration with both Sakura and Sasuke. I hope it makes you laugh, because I personally had a lot of fun with it! XD I would rate it a HIGH T, but please tell me if I should change the rating to M. Thanks.**_

_**WARNINGS: Violence, SPOILERS, very bad language, some sexual references, some homosexual references, and um… general offensive stuff that I don't really mean (duh) but is what makes the story crack (and hopefully funny!)**_

_**Disclaimer: Since I'm making a parody of it, I obviously don't own Naruto.**_

_I'll Show You Parallels_

It was annoying, how dark and dull everything was. In the back of her mind, she could remember the pang of the Genjutsu piercing straight through her heart, like the hand – _his _hand – that had tried to do so multiple times in the past. Now, it seemed, he was too powerful to consider her worthy of the real movement of his overrated body, and a mighty Genjutsu cast by the mighty Uchiha Sasuke – an endangered species, a part of her long forgotten, her true self that she'd always believed she had managed to adopt completely, drawled sarcastically – would be enough to knock her out for an extended period of time.

At first, it was the heartbreak. It was the second time she put her emotions on display for him to see, and she received the same result – if not a poorer outcome than her very first confession had had.

And then, there was anger. Not directed at Sasuke, no, but at her own person. She was absorbed in an illusion of darkness, of perturbed slumber, but her inner strong personality had a voice louder than the silence a Sharingan – or Rinnegan. Or both. It was too confusing for her to differentiate at this point – could force upon her. No, there was an intangible entity inside her that was kicking and screaming to be listened to; and, with an inhuman effort, Sakura strained her ears against the powerful Genjutsu and listened to it indeed.

It was loud, to say the least.

'_WHAT THE FUCK, WOMAN?!'_

…And rather vulgar.

'_IS THIS HOW I RAISED YOU, CUB? I DON'T FANCY BEING KNOCKED OUT ON A REGULAR BASIS, THANK YOU VERY MUCH, RAGAZZA. YOU CAN'T STAND PROUDLY LIKE A BOSS WHEN YOU'RE BUSY ANALYZING THE COMPOSITION OF THE GROUND WITH YOUR TONGUE, HAI?''_

The kunoichi's head felt like it was going to explode – whether this was because of her true self's feral growls and yells and literal stomping on the sensitive walls of her recently unused brain or because that same self was currently ripping the constriction of the Genjutsu apart with her teeth (or something equally animalistic), Sakura could not quite tell.

'_LEMME AT HIM, BITCH. LEMME AT HIM. LEMME SHOW HIM WHAT MY MAMA HAS FOR OFFSPRING. YOU GOT GENJUTSU, PEASANT? YOU GOT IT, DON'T YOU? WELL, I GOT A DANDY-LOOKING DIAMOND ON MY FOREHEAD, AND IT CAN DO SHIT. IT DAMN RIGHT CAN DO SHIT.'_

As the unpleasant black fog of the technique dissipated at a steady pace, the rosette realized her energy was returning with blinding speed, forming a ball of fire at her core. Adrenaline surged through her veins, her fists clenched and unclenched around hot, blue chakra, and her reluctance and adversity to technically give up on her love, on her hopes and dreams, were slowly turning into forgettable ashes, along with the remaining dust of the Genjutsu.

She remembered the words of her master, her meticulous training: all her life, she'd believed she was breaking her bones and suffering through pain and rejection for her boys. For Naruto and Sasuke. For _Sasuke. _But, what if…

What if he had finally crossed the line? What if he really was hopeless? Naruto would never let her even think such a thing, but what would cost her to give up on him, really? Aside from the terrible heartache, only good things had come her way while he was gone: she had been promoted, she had become stronger, she was now at Sannin level. And, thinking of Tsunade-sama… Sakura realized that one criminal was not worth throwing away all her remarkable progress, just so she could grovel at his feet and be rejected and belittled again, on top of that.

'_I'M SELF-SUFFICIENT, MOTHERFUCKER!' _she, along with her inner self yelled in unison, and _that _was the moment when Sakura finally became united with her true nature. Together, as one, they released the technique completely, and the kunoichi finally woke up to the sight of the blue sky that was much too peaceful for the fiery anger burning in her eyes.

''…Sakura?'' the incredulous voice of Kakashi was the first sound to reach her ears and, as all her senses became so alert she could have been mistaken as Naruto in his infamous Sage Mode, Sakura needed no more than a second to get up on her feet and howl her vengeance.

'**SHANNARO!'**

All Kakashi managed to achieve by trying to stop the feral woman was an even more disgraceful landing on his masked face, for Sakura was too busy activating her Byakugou and following the tracks of her future punching back to bother with catching him again. Thankfully, the mask kept his broken nose hidden from the world – though it is doubtful that provided Kakashi with any consolation.

**Xxxxx**

The Valley of the End. The place with the most historical value for any Konoha shinobi who knew his shit. The place holding Naruto's most precious memories of having the shit beaten out of him repeatedly.

In other words, the most cliché location possible for Naruto and Sasuke to finally settle their shit. If you wanted to simplify the information even more, we could say that, at that moment, shit was right about to go down.

''Naruto,'' Sasuke said in his best bedroom voice. As it had been for the past fifteen years, though, Naruto was too dumb to understand the implication, which was, in fact, the most plausible explanation for Sasuke's sexually frustrated tendencies. The more you know.

''To me, Hokage means... It means…'' as the last specimen of the world's most messed up species tried to actually find a definition for the word that contained enough innuendos to make Naruto go all out on him and secretly fulfill his submission fantasies, a rather perturbing shriek stopped them in their tracks, for it was impossible to tell if its source was an alpaca being raped or an actual human being.

When it began to form coherent words, however, Naruto, in all his Jesus glory, abandoned the mission altogether and found refuge in Hashirama's eye socket. In a rare show of intelligence, he kept silent throughout the entire ordeal.

Meanwhile, Sasuke looked royally pissed at having his moment interrupted, knowing that he would have to remain a sad virgin until whoever dared to interfere lay six feet under. He turned his godly face to glare and was met with the surprising view of no other than annoying Sakura ripping off her other sleeve with her bare hands, proceeding to chew the material without mercy in order to, no doubt, contain her overpowering urge to shove his aforementioned godly face where the sun does not shine for a little bit longer.

Sasuke was as shocked as a living brick with the social qualities of a trampoline could be.

''CHYAAAA! SON OF A BITCH!'' the woman commenced to roar. ''HAVE YOU EVER CONSIDERED A SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR ANUS? HUH?''

The Uchiha was eerily silent.

Sakura's anger momentarily dissipated completely. ''You… You have?'' she questioned, absolutely incredulous.

Sasuke looked away. Who was she to judge? A man had needs. ''Tch.''

…

Well. How did one answer to that?

Oh, right.

''FUCK YOU TO HELL!'' she yelled, fury returning to her without fail. The Uchiha was much too preoccupied with recalling one of his many unsuccessful attempts to recreate certain parts of Naruto's anatomy and use them on his own mentally unstable self to notice the chakra-infused kick that promptly rid him of any and all possibility to ever, _ever _reproduce.

As he wailed in agony, Sakura reveled in her noteworthy achievement of saving the world from the danger Sasuke's, well, no-longer-penis could pose. _'Atta girl!'_

Due to obvious reasons, the flawlessly castrated Indra incarnation was incapable of preventing the following flurry of hits and curses from reaching his person. Sakura was not above being satisfied with this unjust 'fight' (or rather, merciless beating to the brink of joining all the other Uchiha little angels of dark rainbows and kicked puppies).

''THIS – punch – FEELS – stab – SO – traumatizing twist of limbs – FUCKING – pause to consider whether to kill the buffoon or heal him and start over – **THERAPEUTIC!**'' and with this one ear-splitting howl, the Sharingan (and Rinnegan) was lost to the world forever.

Let us share a moment of silence for the loss of Sasuke's prized eyes.

LOL NAW.

Sakura's breathing was labored when she finally stopped, watching the writhing mass of broken bones and several irreparably damaged appendages on the ground with something akin to sheer disgust and arrogant triumph.

''M-mercy…'' it moaned, not quite so sexy anymore. Well, unless you're into gore. In that case, you are free to feast.

The kunoichi began chuckling lowly, the horror of the noise intensifying as it turned into full blown maniacal laughter. Sasuke would have looked on in terror, had he still been able to. As it was, he just kept trembling, which was much better. Mwahaha.

Then again, Sasuke had never really taken the time to contemplate the joys of medical Ninjutsu, revenge fetish and all. The kunoichi was just merrily beginning.

**Xxxx**

Many children in the village of Konoha had gathered to listen to the heavily scarred, incapacitated sole monk the nation had. Hundreds of people wondered about his decision to become a monk, and the old man had the kindness to share the tale that had enforced this significant life decision.

All the children were now traumatized for life.

Releasing an unhealthy-sounding chuckle, the blind, hunched over man lifted himself to his wooden feet, using the one hand he still possessed to form a matter-of-fact gesture.

''And see, kids, that's why you should never embark on a quest for revenge.''

_~Fin~_

_**AN: I just had to quote Yuri Lowenthal in the end. XD He's too great. Anyway, I hope you liked my crack and second parody of the Naruto manga. If you want more Sasuke hate, you are free to check my profile, because I have an entire rant about him posted over there (a girl has to vent, okay?). I hope I didn't insult anyone (you were warned, though), and, well, yeah. Keep yourselves hyped for the upcoming final fight and the movie, and know that you can always turn to crack when Kishimoto disappoints you. Crack has never failed anyone. Live long and prosper, fellow fanfictioners. **_


End file.
